As I reflect on 2013 I see it as a time of grief. I experienced the loss of a dream, a loved one, and many of my relationships changed. As the year came to a close the month that I dread every year approached. In November it is the beginning of a darkness that seems to last for eternity: the grief, the pain, the depression overflowing my life. Not being able to identify why. But this November it was different. The darkness didn’t end in December like it normally does. It continued into the New Year and forward.
I found myself isolating myself from the people I care about. My ability to focus had decreased. I was ashamed of the deep depression I was in. I appeared to be functional to the outside world but my inner world was chaos. I couldn’t motivate to do even the most basic of responsibilities. My forgetfulness reached a level of dysfunction. I wasn’t able to be present or engage in church. My relationship with God seemed non-existent. Resulting in a shame cycle that sent me spiraling downwards, the “shoulds” plaguing my mind.
So I sat in silence trying to ignore the darkness. Hoping that maybe it would just go away like it always does. Berating myself because once again this demon was taking over my life like it had so many other times.
This was the reason why I stopped writing. I couldn’t even focus long enough to write anything coherent. I was disconnected from my emotions and my thoughts.
A month ago I decided to take action and began to take medication again. That’s when the fog began to lift and I could see more clearly. I began reading two books that have been pivotal in this journey: Changes that Heal, by Dr. Henry Cloud and A Prayer Journal, by Flannery O’Connor. I will be talking about them in the upcoming posts: